Slipping

Slipping away
Little by little
Reaching out
Into a rushing
torrent of water
And grasping
at nothing,
carried away.

I'm such a jackass. That is all.

Inner/Outer

Inner turmoil
Breeds
Outer creativity
Seems I can only
Create
When I am twisted
When I am torn
Apart

Two Boats

Two boats drifting apart
Once tied together by
The stoutest of ropes
And sailorly knots
Now distance increasing
Farther and farther

Hope

I hope you find
Someone that can hold
Real, in their arms
I hope you love
Someone that gives you
Their whole heart
I hope you believe
That you deserve
All the things
That I can't give you
I hope you quit
Me and all I am
Because I can't imagine
Not having you

Everything is falling apart, job, life, relationships...all of it. Betrayed, hurt, angry, fed up...too many things going on. Change is needed but the only way to start that will hurt me even more and others. Put in this position is the worst thing that has happened to me.

Russia

Privyet. I seem to be getting a lot of page views from Russia, well, spasiba!

Hard

Hard to believe
When you lie
To me
Hard to love
When you
Ignore me
Hard to stay
When you show
No affection
Hard to breathe
When my world
Collapses around me

Hurting, confused, anxious, wistful, missing, ambivalent, jealous, upset, spiteful, angry, tired, stressed, divided................

Should be writing tonight but sit here instead...doing nothing. Thoughts and emotions have me wrapped up in knots, need unraveled.

Screwed up today with someone I care about....was trying to be careful and not obvious about how I feel about her and was late with something I needed to say. The anguish inside me from my situation right now is unreal..................

To Her on Her Birthday

Into my thoughts you streak,
Dark brown strands, contrails
Floating softly behind you
The scent of your skin
Wafting to my nose, lovely
Aching for my senses
To experience all of you
Liquid dark eyes, mesmerizing
Pulling me to you
Closer still into your depths

The longing for you
Increasing exponentially
As I come to know you
To be a part of your world
To bask in your warmth
And caring and soul

A Moth

Happiness eludes me
A fluttering moth
Just out of reach
Escaping my grasp
As I try desperately
To catch it
And be complete

For Me

I read your words
Imagining they are for me
The longing and desire
They contain
Meant for my eyes
Alone

Pinball

What is this I'm feeling
For her, the one
I've never seen
But always, thoughts
Of her, crashing
Into my world
Bouncing around
Inside me, a pinball

Nightmare

Horrible dreams
Crashing into my sleep
She has another
Hidden from me
Though I've never met her
Heard her voice
To lose her
To be deceived
Devastating

My Mind

Raging turmoil,
A rushing torrent
Fighting the current
Powerful forces
Pushing me back

A

Sustained today, by thoughts of you.

The living, breathing form, unattainable

But whole in my mind

Vivid, solid, real

One day to hold you

Feel you soft in my arms

Chest rising and falling hypnotically

With each breath, alive

Touch electrifying

Voice mesmerizing

Each moment greater

Than the one preceding

Concrete and Water

Keep thinking its better for everyone if I would disappear, find a nice mountain stream, live in a tent.....just be gone, where no one would find me.

Unseen Smile

Faux smile
Shown to her
The real one
Only for you
Hidden under a mask
Brought out
By thoughts of you
Yet
You can't see it

Essential

You've become air
Necessary to sustain life
Merely knowing your existence
Allows me to survive
But breathing you in
With every word you send
Fuels me, fires me
Filling my lungs
With you
Essential

Impossible Choice

An impossible choice
Needs to be made
Total satisfaction unattainable
Someone hurt
No matter the decision
Unable to make all happy
Myself an afterthought
Inconsequential
The equation....incorrect

Today

I cried today
The weight of all
Crashing into me
A wave, a raging storm
Your absence magnified
By all the choices
To be made
Happiness as fleeting
As a summer squall

All I Have

What if.....
THIS
Is all I have to give?
Nothing else can be
Only desperate longing
Distance separating
Forever
Wanting more
To close the distance
Quench the fire
But never to be....

B Ramble

Thoughts are all I have,
Mental images roaming
The halls of my mind
An endless flow of unbidden
pictures and thoughts
Rambling incoherently
Is all I can manage
Speechless, at times
Only the roaming.....

Wooded Path

A Chat

The sweet torture of lifes possibilities
Breathing down your neck
As if you were in a jammed subway car
So close to the others that even a scream
Would be stifled by their bodies
Waiting, forever waiting for that
Which makes the torture divine
Never coming, just more torture
Breathing down your neck

I Speak

Without thinking, I speak
Saying things that hurt
You tell me everythings okay
But I know better
Things have changed
No longer speaking to me
I wonder, think and hope
That all will be fine
The damage repairable
Like hot patch
On an asphalt road

Lips

Berry red, luscious, kissable
Brightly perched on creamy skin
The desire and want evident
begging to be kissed
and to kiss
as rough hands collide
on smooth, pale places
in small explosions of pleasure
increasing to intolerable levels
of the need for release

Watching the Walking Dead

Sitting in my living room watching season 1 of the Walking Dead. Loving how I can post anything I want to this blog and though it is completely public, no one will read it. I have ice hockey tonight, Havent played in a month and trying to break in new skates. Should be fun!

Bravery

I may be a coward
I may be brave
Which is better
Which is worse
To deny yourself
in response to your
commitments
Or to leave those behind
to be happy
Does the answere lie
somewhere between
Or is it Black and White

My Walls

The walls around me
only for myself
others come in
like the revolving door
of a manhattan bank
yet, i cant escape
blocked from leaving
and becoming
what i will

Thrift Store Me

You own me
as surely as I had been purchased
the bargain rack of that funky
thrift store down the avenue
I can no longer go back
to that life
tied to you now as I am
even though
I have been discarded by you
and lie now
in the lost and found

The necessity of motion overcomes the absence of emotion.