Rarely Done

I rarely explain my poems but I would like to in this case. Tornadic Occurrence is about a young person I know and in my head and heart contains 2 additional lines I'll not publish for the sake of anonymity. It reads as fairly dark here but in fact is an amusing piece that started with a joke to myself about this person. Thank you for bearing with my artistic prerogative.

Tornadic Occurrence

Just like a tornado
Everything in its path
Destroyed in totality
Overturned trailer
Car thrown miles away
Wide swath of carnage
Ground torn asunder
All from something
That at a distance
Seems beautiful and
Even graceful as it dances

Yesterday

Birch trees standing, bone white
Stark sentinels in contrast to
The rain darkened hardwood forest
Tendrils of mist slipping their fingers
Between every dark, tall guardian
Obscuring the world from me
Only a foot or two at a time
Becoming visible as the weak
Winters sun tries desperately to
Break the hold of the cold creeping
Ground fog

Dun Aengus

Wind roaring past my ears
Force enough to unbalance
As I stand atop this stony cliff
Angry Atlantic crashing below
With all the fury it can muster
Noisy, foaming and churning
Ancient stone walls behind
Once proud citadel fallen away
Adding to the treachery below
Precipice before me dangerous
But beyond the limitless ocean
Stretching into loneliness

Flabbergasted

There's a look of confusion I get
Puzzlement, bewilderment
But no one cares to notice
People only see what fits
Their narrative of you
What suits their construct
Like trimming a puzzle piece
To wedge into the open space
If their world is not affected
Then they care not what happens
Would never deign themselves
To even ask what could possibly
Be wrong or right or...

Tanjoubi ometedou and li kyuuka wo

Happy Thanksgiving

Rocks

There's something oddly fascinating
Captivating to the point of single-mindedness
Watching the world that you've cultivated
The life you've created and grown
Begin to implode and crumble
To tumble away as if a rocky outcrop
Winters freeze breaking it apart
Boulders and pebbles alike go
Rolling and careening down the bank
Knowing the end won't be easy
But in it, maybe a rebirth or at the least
Destruction so complete, not even dust remains

Triumph Past

My triumph long over
Weeks ago now since
A faded memory, whisper
Passing from existence
I'll not try to hold on
As I do everything else
Too long, well past time
Letting go becoming
A thing I need to learn
Overdue in that respect
But difficult, herculean
My heart and my mind
Keep a firm grasp

Out of Depth

Even out of my depth
I know how to swim
But what the hell happens
When fatigue sets in
Your arms turn to gelatin
Each stroke more effort
Pain and breathlessness
Comingling into one
Until even my brain
Ceases its normal function

False Hope

Hope held falsely
Is merely new pain
Waiting to be found
A vicious purple bruise
Once known becomes
Painful and front of mind
But healing will occur
Til the color is gone
And the hurt no more
Leaving you smarter
Stronger and ready
For life as it is

Convergence

While I may be lost
I'm not a lost cause
A moment will come
Signalling a convergence
When the person I am
And everything else that
That I am meant to be
Merge into a singular
Individual and soul
Able to find my way
Despite the lack
Of celestial bodies
Lighting my path

Clarity is something that no longer comes easy. Once, it did but now everything is murky. The dirty waters of a rain swollen creek are clearer. The harder I try to see what I need and to understand the more clouded they become. There is light every day and good but too much is opaque. Transparency would be a welcome thing.

Found

We found it
Mysteriously
Against everything
We found it
And then
Faded and gone

Alliteration

Precious premonitions perched precariously

Reminder

Pain is merely a reminder
That we live, that we go on
That the simple act of breathing
Is not enough for most of us
We must push and shove
Striving to move forward
Hurting at the end of the day
Aches and pains wiping out
Last shreds of thought
Until they begin once again.

My Mind

Morning fog creeps in
Whispy and cold as it curls
Fog and confusion

Waves

Past the roiling surf
Unable to swim back in
Trying with all strength

Soon

Red and gold leaves fall
Low bright sun illuminates
Small measure of peace

Honor

There exists great life
In every breath we take
That is bushido

Driving

Foot pushes the pedal down
Engine thrums a little louder
Revving as the speed increases
Music pouring out of the speakers
A reminder of every moment
Good memories and painful
All crashing into each other
A race gone dangerously wrong
Sun sinking so the air whistles
Cooler into open windows
Destination undetermined
Pulled in directions so opposite
That only the driving matters
Just moving until the music decides

Sanctuary

Sleep is a sanctuary
Rarely earned
A respite even brief
Needed desperately
A chance to recharge
To restore the smallest
Measure of self
To combat the travails
Beset upon us daily
To reset the balance
Lost amidst vast expanse
Of life as we know it

Enough

Always today, difficult and emotional
Joyful and tearful alternating
As remembrance occurs in flashes
The events, the little moments
Of that day and it's unfolding
Tears for those lost and for those
That have been lost since
Tears for those left behind and for
Those sent to fight our enemies
Joy for the coming together experienced
Across our land in the days that followed
Rising to the occasion in the way
That we do best, fighting back
But for me, mixed in is remorse
As others sacrificed, some everything
Did I do enough?

Real

Real me, really seen by you
Instead of going away
You asked to see more
To know me better
To allow me to grow
I could be what I was
And not hide any part
Of what I had been
Or wanted to be in life
With you in my life
I was simply...real

I just assumed it had stopped. A faded memory, blurred around the edges and all but gone. I mark myself as a little confused now and and off guard to know it hadn't. I guess ultimately it changes nothing. This was always done for multiple reasons and those reasons continue on in some form.

Resurgence

Why now?
After this passing of time
What catalystic event has occurred?
What has prompted a resurgence?
Information that may never be revealed
Never fully understood or known
Some of the old ways remain open
The old paths still able to be traversed
If needed

My Story

My story is still being written
Each callous on my gnarled hands
Every line and crinkle on my face
Sun weathered and wind battered
Scars that delineate a wound or cut
Fading bruises diminishing to nothing
All a visible chapter for the telling
Contributing words of humor or horror
Happiness and sadness, honesty and lies
Human condition in a microcosm
Contributions have come from many
Some who's part is finished and some
Who have the opportunity to add more
The choice is theirs to make and write
Parts may never be fully told but in the end
Isn't that what makes a good story

SLOC

The military has an acronym that I have always appreciated, SLOC - Sea Lines of Communication. Simply put, you need your seaways open if you are waging a war outside of your continent. You must have the ability to use the seas to transport equipment and material too heavy to airlift. You must keep open any communication available through those seaways. War is always won by logistics and communication. The ability to communicate is vital.

That was a surprising email to say the least. Shocking and unexpected. I find happy in every day but also struggle at times. I am glad to be alive always and working to make things better but making the needed changes that I'm heading towards are complicated. I'm becoming better every day and figuring out what I need to do.

Yellow and Black

The butterfly landed on my shoulder
Beautiful
Yellow and black in vivid contrast
The butterfly flew away

I've thought about closing this out, making it all disappear. Though it goes unseen now, I can't bear to do it. It's the only outlet I have left and the one place I can process and deal. To anyone finding themselves here by accident, enjoy. I will add to it, never take away from it, and continue to try to deal with my heart and my feelings as best I can. Inspiration is such a funny thing. Once it's gone, no matter the form, it's difficult to get back. The negative people and aspects of my life no longer overwhelm me but it is a daily struggle to overcome them. I do my best each day. One day I know I'll rise above because failure can't happen.

I'm experiencing a weariness and exhaustion like I've never known before. It goes deep down into my bone, deeper into my brain. I don't at all understand the cause. Trying to power through it and keep smiling. What a week.

Dusks Song

There's a music to the evening
As the sun dips it's weary head
Far below the horizon and it's
Last rays turn the sky into a canvas
A melody of the breeze as it blows
Cooling now into the coming fall
A rythm of the singing crickets
Each chirp keeping the nights time
A strumming of city sounds
The bars and chords calling out
A light show from each firefly
Perfect counterpoint to the song
Feeling more at home in the dusk
Comfortable with the night
Listening to the dusks song

Once (Revised)

To share a sunrise and watch
As it grows from darkness
Into a fiery golden light
Like so much treasure
Brilliant and illuminating
And then to a cerulean sky
To share a sunset and see
How that same bright hue
Begins to deepen and change
Into the auburn tone I love
With streaks of purple reminiscent
Of heather and violet and iris
To share the day in between
Walking amongst the fields
Wildflowers fragrant as
We brush against them
Their vivid color blooming
Brightening all they touch
I had hoped once, to share
This and more with you
And I realize now it will
Likely never be more than hope

Paintings On A Wall

Sanctuary behind your eyes
Home hidden within your voice
No longer seen
No longer heard
Paintings spotlit on the wall
Music soft in the background
Dim light hiding
Only a whisper

Simpler

To make things simpler
Only complicates them
All the more

Drink

With each swallow
Numbness spreads
Through my body
Through my mind
Slaking my thirst
Relieving the pain
Separating me
From the throbbing
Of my shoulder
The anguish etched
Within my emotion

Gone

Home...can it even exist
A fleeting thing
Amorphous and gone

Forged in Fire

It will take all the world
To forge a brand  new reality
Fire and iron and strength
Each clanging of the hammer
Throwing sparks and shaping
What could one day become
The new me or be melted
Down to nothingness
Heat and cold creating
And through the breaking
And tearing down of me
One day arising anew

Wounds

Some wounds never heal
Sharply reminded each day
They may become lessened
Or dulled by the advancement
Of slow time and days passing
But the agony is there to feel
Movement or lack of bringing
Physical pain, shoulder telling me
To stop or let it become whole
Not all though are corporeal
Some can't be seen but nonetheless
Some wounds never heal

Waves Upon Waves

Ebb and Flow

Tide ebbs and flows relentlessly
Crashing of the waves signifying
The in and out, the good and bad
Flotsam washing up looking
For a place to land, to belong
Knowing as my life ebbs and flows
The highs and lows will continue
But relentlessly moving, being me
That will never cease, as the tide.

Reinvention

Salt airs tang hanging on my lips
As the wind rushes over the waves
Crashing and careening in rythm
Sand warm underneath me as it
Holds the suns rays from the day
Bringing a counterpoint to the chill air
Staring at the horizon, I long
Long to voyage out and explore
Long for you and what will never be
Long to reinvent myself somewhere
To be only what is to come and not
All that has transpired before

Declination

What if
My declination is off
No longer reading true
Needle swinging to and fro
Directionless and erratic
Calibration incorrect
Needing to be reset
Allowed to point North
So I know which direction
I'm heading, leaving, avoiding

To Dream

One day sleep will come again
Not the restless fits and starts
Of every night past and present
But the continuous, dream filled
Rest of a mind at peace once more
Blissful and relaxing and true
No longer lost but at ease and found

Blue and Green

When the sky is this blue
It sings with vibrant color
Oceans hue or the vivid
Feathers of a blue bird
Drawing one out into
It's warmth and the sun
Striking your back hotly
Cooling breeze your savior
Rustling the leaves around
Verdant and whispering
Their low warnings of
An impending storm
This is the calm before

Neighborhood

The porch lights on this street
Welcoming halos of golden light
Beyond lies the inky darkness
Deep, black, and immutable

Sleepless

Those sleepless nights
Darkness enclosing like
A blanket you pull around
To block out the cold
That's when the mind
Goes to work and runs
A hamster on its wheel
That's when everything
All you've done and said
Hangs around and waits
Waits for you to say hi
It only wants one thing
An acknowledgement
To admit to it and also
To admit within yourself
All the right and wrong
Both sides of the coin
Flipped and rolled
Landing where chance
Allows it to rest
Regretting nothing
But without fail wondering
Could I have done
Anything different at all
Changed an outcome
As easily as turning
A lamp on and bringing light

Illumination

Reality and truth eclipsing what has become
Obscuring the path I once trod as illumination
Is swiftly reduced to a nothingness, a greyness
Knowing there is still light within waiting to escape
To be unlocked, to be unleashed again one day

Phrases

Stygian gloom
Is a phrase I like
Useful in situations
Where your Sun
No longer shines
Or the Mist as happens
Has rolled in thick
Like fallen clouds

The Final Bell

Stranglehold on reality occasionally loosens
Gripping tighter to bring it back to me
Clutching and grabbing like a fatigued boxer
Holding on to the last will to fight and win
Bouncing tremulously from the ropes with each punch
Never giving up regardless of the bets against you
Confident that you can take the hits and draw
On your last reserves of strength to overcome
Maybe you won't win but you'll last
Until the final bell

Life is a tenuous thing. Though death finds us all eventually, some are taken from us before we are ready. I've never dealt well with death. Callous when it's someone I don't care about. Withdrawn when it is a person important to me. Last week I lost a person that was as important to me as anyone in my life with the exception of my mother, father, and my kid. I still hurt. The last few years life had kept me away from her even though she was growing older and nearing her time. I never got that cliched last chance to tell her how much she influenced me and that I loved her, Suddenly it's not such a cliche anymore. Class, intelligence, strength...all things I admire now in women, I saw in her even when I was young. I will hold memories of her close. I will grieve. I will grieve alone as to be strong for my family that need me. I will grieve as long as I need. I have cried and will cry some more. I will pass on my memories of her to my child that didn't know her. Mostly, I will honor her by continuing to be what she helped me become. Goodbye and thank you.

Strength

Counted on by them
For that measure of strength
They desperately need
Wanting only to mourn
Yourself but knowing
Without you they would
Falter and wain, fading

Heart

Heart
Heavy
Hurting
Hesitating
Healing
Eventually

On The Road

This car is an abyss
Such close proximity
To people once being
Blood and family and
Now a distance grown
From life's path trod
Thoughts turning to
The coming funeral
To life and love and
All the things missing
Quietly I sit and watch
The verdant landscape
Flash by faster and faster
Mist dissipating yet
Clinging to the tops
Of every mountaintop

Storm

When the storm rages on
And no shelter is to be had
You stand resolute and exposed
It can only go one way
Or the t'other
You'll emerge stronger
Or lie scattered in pieces
Haphazardly strewn about
By Nature's Fury

Rain

Rain drums quickly down
Thunder pounds it's beat
Lightning flashes in time
Wind howls a soft melody
Perfect music being made
My footsteps it's audience
Captive and plaintive

Farewell (A Requiem for My Aunt)

To be honest, it's been years since I cried at the death of a loved one
Since your other half, my funny uncle, was taken from us
The news of your passing today brought forth the tears
Not just an errant drop but waves of them upon each other
No more will I get to stand in your kitchen and taste your tomato sauce
Or nibble on some turkey at Thanksgiving as we talk, the only 2 awake
Never again to hear your counsel as I show up unannounced
Escaping from something or someone and able to stay without question
Hurting even as I write at my own stupidity allowing life
To get in the way and missing opportunities to see you
You will be grievously missed by all who have known
By each soul whose lives were touched by yours
Farewell and say hi to that crazy uncle of mine when you see him

Numb

Would if I could
On some odd days
Become numb
Ennured to all
Devoid of feeling
Pain swept away
Even happiness
Pulled from me
Like a surgeon
Removing a tumor

Decisons

Every day, working hard
To restore what I had gained
And lost of my doing
To move past the pain
Physical and emotional
Decisions to be made
That can alter not just
My life but others
Yet they need made
More so every day.

Inward

Deep within lies the unknown
Turning my view upon myself
Though difficult is necessary
Will I find something worthy
Or only the decrepit shell
Of a once fine manor house
Now falling upon itself and
Being reclaimed by the land
Surrounding it and growing

From Nowhere

From nowhere, a reminder of you
Bringing back memories in waves
Clearer than any snowmelt stream
Washing over the pebbled banks
Of a glacier carved creek bed
Sweeping away winters detritus

Good ones, sad ones, wistful ones
All wrapped in a sheer blanket
Of emotions swirling and streaming
Touches of longing and pain
Caress every last second rolling
Within the inner reaches of my mind

Outward

Outwardly no change is visible
Appearing to all the world
As if nothing were wrong
Yet under the surface, turmoil
A churning of surf within
Like a storm tossed ocean
Wanting only the calming
The influence that once
Made the tumultuous waves
Cease and lap against the sand
Docile and still and cool

Island

An island I have become
Vast ocean surrounding
Pointedly marking aloneness
As a way of living and being
Stark contrast of what once
Was and thrived and held
Resolute yet now dissipated
As the storm tossed sea
Grew and bounded each side

Impossible
To let go

One day the pain must go
Becoming a mere memory
But will always remain
Will the hole once filled
The thought that none
Was real at all, not a glimmer
Even though what I felt
Was truth and love.

Listening

End of the day, it's winding down imminent
The finality of what has been, at best, erratic
Sitting back, the strains of music playing, evoking
Memories and more, The Parting Glass haunting
As a parting has been and likely will be again
No matter the longing for a return to what the heart
Yearns for, I know that what must occur is simply
To move on, to become again what I had started
Better for having known, better for having experienced
All that she was and is, all that we had, all that almost was
One day over it all and able to look back without
The faint strings of what if tugging and tearing
Me apart

Places

There are those places we go
Present yet able to coexist
Outside ourselves for moments
The hum of the tires on the road
Engine rhythmic like a metronome
Music letting memories flood
Into your wandering mind
As you drive for hours on end
Leaving that destination that
You didn't want to say goodbye to
Or that dimly lit bar that sits
Lonely on a street of empty lots
Patrons furtive glances avoiding
Unnecessary eye contact yet
Knowing each and their story
Over straight whiskey and failure
Smells of stale beer redolent
We can drive and be numb
Drink and feel nothing again
Or we can feel even though
It's heartache and pain mixed
With the faint stirrings of something
Unexplained

February 19th

Snow spread across the ground
Pristine and white and bitter cold
A portent of nothing, of blankness
Clean slate is what it should herald
But instead seems a dying of things
Spring, distant and unobtainable
As winters grasp clutches firmly
Shivering deep into my bones

Fall

Flailing
Falling
Pushed from a cliff
Reaching not finding
That tree branch that
Juts out and helps
Me stop my descent
So downward I go
Tumbling
Trailing

Impossible

Impossible
To let go
Though I know
I need to
Find a way
Holding tight
To what will
Obviously
Never be again

Winter sunset

Bright pink brushstrokes
Haphazardly strewn
Across a grey - blue sky
As the low winter sun sets
Laying to rest this day
In preparation of its
Imminent return
If only I could do the same

Reality

What is real...
Nothing seems
To be anymore
Only varying
Degrees of
Surreal or at
The very least
Misunderstood
Perceptions cracking
Like thin ice

Home

I rarely feel at home
I did once or twice
The knowing you belong
That someone wants
You there and needs you
Sometimes it's a person
Creating that longing
And others it's a place
To walk the verdant fields
Soft rain falling on my
Upturned face as I go
The smell of peat smoke,
Wafting through the air
Drawing memories forth
Even alone I won't feel lonely
The streams torrid and blue
Trout swimming quietly
Or just sitting in the park
Eyes on the lovers strolling
And the kids playing loudly
Whether city or country
To be back in Eire
To try to create for myself
Some semblance of a life

Tangible

Tangible, what shouldn't be
No recession or abatement
The bark of a tree, rough and real

It hurts....

Ticket

Discarded
I'm an old ticket stub
From a movie you once saw
Pulled out of a pocket
And falling, drifting silently
Down under a dresser
Forgotten

Sharp
Acute
Needle like
Intense
Unwavering
Growing

Sleep

Sleep
It never comes
Elusive, spectral
Gone instantly
Maybe one day
Sleep