Luminous

There's a radiance to your smile
My words could never truly do justice
Lighting up the day of everyone
Orbiting your universe, brighter even
Than any solar systems main star
Bringing the warmth and luminous shine
To my world and others, all thankful

Agent Provocateur

Even with eyes open fully
Watching, looking for signs
I find it difficult to determine
When I'm being sabotaged
On purpose, wrecked, undermined
An agent provocateur living
Within my own walls
But light is shining, revealing
Learning more each day

Further

Each day the work I put in to become better
The decisions made to improve my life
Whether it be health or attitude or circumstance
Example learned from my inspiration
All must be for me and me alone
The laughter, the scorn, the derision
Coming from others has become
Another layer of sweet motivation
In addition to that which comes from you
Always in the back of my mind sits
What you would think of what I've done
And it drives me further, faster, harder
Gratitude possibly never to be repaid

Creating and Evolving

Drawing strength from unlikely places
Positivity from sources far and wide
Creating and evolving as I can
Relishing your smile, your spirit
The grace they infuse into life
Not just mine but all you touch
Carrying on, I continue this journey
Quietly pondering what is to come
But joyous in the getting there

Unfettered

Holding back what is necessary
For us to carry on in whatever
Way is to be, friends, confidants
Recognizing your desire to have
Your life and all it contains
Joyous, happy, and real
Like a cog in a Swiss watch
I'll play my part, allowing
The works to be unaffected
Running smoothly and doing
Only what is needed
Seeing you smile in a way
Unfettered by the weight
Of things heavy on your mind
Brings a smile to my face
Abundant gratitude for all
You've brought into my life
Bringing out what was capable
And inspiring me to be
The person I am now

Simply

Simplicity in and of itself
The desire for someone
Important to you to be
Happy, fulfilled, and content
To watch as their wishes
Become a reality, true
Knowing their choice
Was to be your friend
Through all the tribulations
Befallen each, staying true
When the easiest thing
Would simply be to
Simply disappear

You're not reading these anymore so I'm not sure why I'm writing this. It's so hard to describe and deal with this mix of feelings. I miss you like crazy even though you're still around. Miss hearing about your day, your life, your venting. Miss you interacting with me even as you do others. Miss your smile. Hurt that what we once had seems almost tossed aside even though I know that's not the case and it can't be easy on you either. But at the same time, overwhelmingly thankful because I know the choice could've been to leave me out. I could not be a part of what is left. Our friendship has always meant the world to me regardless of our situation and that continues in its own way, scaled back but still there. My ultimate feelings have not changed and maybe never will. I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm stupid because I feel that way but that's just how it is. In the end, I want you to be happy and have the life you want. I will always be and do what you need from me for that to occur.

Joy and Pain

I know the hurt will go away
Fading into nothingness like
An aging rock star and obscurity
Leaving behind the happiness
For you, for what you are doing
Even now there is joy mixed
With that ache, joy that we
Remain friends, still drawing
What we are able from each

Unspoken

Even knowing that something is a possibility
Does not stop the pain of its sudden occurrence
Without warning or conversation, an ending
Of one thing and a beginning of another
A hole created where I once held hope
Yet still you choose to keep me in your life
A friend only, as it has been but shutting
The door that was open on what we once shared
Reconciling myself to this because my love
For you total and I'd rather be a part
Than to not have you at all, supporting you
Being inspired and motivated by you
And from a distance and unspoken
Loving you

A Plea

I need to know more. A few cryptic words are not enough to end what we have between us. I also hope that the poem was not misread.  It wasn't about a return to what had been before between us. I'm settling into a peace with our friendship. Please, please speak to more than those few words. In the end you know I will do what is right for you no matter how much it may hurt me but I need more. Please.

Once and Now Again

There is peace in the numbness
Solace in the liquid of your eyes
There is comfort in my strength
Love hidden in the depths of your smile
There is perseverance in my heart
Healing flowing from within your soul
There is now as there once was

All I Need to Know

It tells me all I need to know
When I slowly trail my fingertips
Up your soft, pale inner thigh
Like a tiger stalking its prey
And there is no reaction at all
Not a shudder of pleasure
Nor a sigh or moan or whimper
It tells me all I need to know

The Flood

Relief felt at knowing all will be well
Concern for you, family, and friends
Nearly palpable in its heavy totality
Distance compounding all emotions
Yet a cleansing wave washed over
At the news that all would be well
Feelings for you spoken here and
Nowhere else as my happiness for you
And your life maintains its presence

Your Eyes

That blue again I see
Those piercing orbs
Of beautiful bluest blue
Calling forth all you are
Speaking to me, saying
More than words can
Smile to compliment
And radiant skin to
Complete your outward
Beauty, only rivaled
By the beauty within

Moving

Pushing through each foot
Pounding through the yards
Heat sapping all strength
Sweat streaming down
Soaking and weighing down
Pack heavy but I keep moving
Thinking of your words
Your motivation, your spirit
I keep moving, motivated
Your bright smile urging on

The Deserving

Easily could I dwell on where
The sentiments don't come from
But I choose instead to concentrate
On those that care, that support
The words told me that matter
By the people that are important
That care, that understand
Time and effort less wasted
On those that are deserving

Father's Day Reflections

I want to think I'm doing the right things in raising my child. That the smart choices are being made. Some days I feel I'm not and other days I am. Today it was said, "its father's day daddy, you shouldn't have to do anything!" I had no response to that. Will my next words do harm. Thankfully there are a few that support and know I'm doing all I can. Other parents have it much harder than I do, for that I have the utmost respect. I've gotten some kind words in the last few days that help keep me trucking on.

Repayment

Dysphoric feeling, odd, disconnected
The strangeness of not being yourself
Mounting with all that's causing it
Even to thinking you may be alone
But remember always, you are not
Those that know you are with you
Those that love you willing to help
As you help us with words and actions
Our hearts reaching out as your heart
Would do in the reverse, kindness
And strength ready, given back to you
Tenfold, merely a repayment in kind

Apparition

An apparition I am becoming
Motion and sound present
Yet able to move unseen
My effects felt and noted
Without conscious thought
From those in my environment
So I float with them unaware
Enjoying the newfound ability
Relishing the hidden nature
Of my presence, a new gift

This Morning

This morning, that picture of you
Soul shining through bright blue eyes
Your words inspiring to so many
The compassion in them, incredible
The few that know you and see
Deep into the real you or else
Catch glimpses of what you hold
Take those messages and are
Lifted, inspired, and motivated
Seeing and knowing more as I do
Is even more amazing, your life
Not without challenges but you
Rise above and your attitude
Uplifting and beautiful

Unexpected

Think of how such a simple thing
As a first conversation can hold
The potential to be powerful
How it can alter or transform
For either positive or negative
Unlimited opportunity to effect
Held in the simple coming together
Of two people in words and phrases
Continuing on if they're fortunate
Into something greater than imagined
A friendship or often more but always
Into something unexpected, something good

First Thought

Woke up this morning and my first thought
Was your effervescent smile, beaming with joy
The real you coming out with each laugh
And the beautiful soul you possess and let us see
Words can never state how much you help
How much you inspire, each day that I've known you
Better than the next and not just for me
But for all you touch and motivate and love
No language is enough to say thank you

The Dark

Won't let the dark back in
Even though it knocks
Rapping, tapping for me
To open the door
Inside is your light
Brought into my life
Magnifying what already
Existed, brightening all
The dark can stay out

Sounds

Each subtle shaping of your lips
Forming the sounds that go on
To form the words, the sentences
The paragraphs, the conversations
Is like rain to a parched landscape
Sustaining me between each with
Such lovely music that is your voice
And to hear your laugh, paramount
To finding rare treasure, glorious
Sounds I cherish in memory and
When they can be heard, revel in

Incomparable

So infused with your spirit and infectious smile
It's become ingrained into the very fabric of
My being, coursing through my veins like a
Rain swollen stream, inevitable in the flow
Inspiration gathered from your example
Helping me through every moment and challenge
And then, there's your voice, the timbre of which
Reminds me, reaffirms, what my heart knows
What I hope one day you see for yourself
How simply incredible you are, strength and beauty
Combined, compassion and vivaciousness colliding
Into a remarkable and incomparable woman

Past, Present, Future

Sitting, waiting, mind goes where it often does
Thoughts of you, of us, the good memories
The possibilities of what can be, but mostly
Of the now, the amazing confluence of
Events and circumstances that brought us together
My life forever transformed by you, inspired
The fortune of having you be a part of today
Things may change and adapt but always
Will I be grateful for the past, present and future
Of knowing you

Still, holding close the full measure
Of what I feel, of what I know
Sustaining myself, bearing it all
No weight but only a lightness
Too much I've been affected
Too much I carry of what was
The future I can never know
Hold in my hands the power
To make it what can be