Layers

All the previous layers cannot be hidden

Old paintings peeking through the newest

Added colors, oil paints over acrylic over

The earliest of bare line and shaded drawing

An echo of your graceful jawline, the memory

Of my fingers tracing from lobe to chin and back

A merest whisper of those big and bright eyes

Unable to be contained by my new artwork

Shining as brightly as ever in those newer layers

The palimpsest of my recent life unable to cover

Walking

This journey is one, that I'm not ready to see end

Not ready to see vast potential go unfulfilled

There is so much more over the horizon, as the sun

Rises on what can be an incredible series of events

Rocky paths don't stop me from walking there

Rock and Wind and Sea

Standing on a windswept point into the sea

Granite formation rough but beautiful underfoot

Sparkling fractals of quartz and darkest black

Mingle below as the salt spray wets everything

Icy, dagger like wind cutting through my jacket

Fittingly the loneliest place on earth, bleak yet

Overwhelmingly stunning in its stark beauty

A wild place, nature's domain as winter begins

Longed for even as brighter days will return

Every Day

As if trying to navigate a swollen river

It's banks running ever higher and the flow

Rushing faster and faster as it froths and foams

The very course changing moment by moment

The kayak capsized as you grasp its smooth top

And the paddles nowhere to be found in the rage

Clinging desperately and working hard to alter

Your direction and arrive at the end of it all

 

The Search

I keep searching for that feeling

An explorer with his city of gold

The never ending conversation

The magnetic pull of you

The sitting in the same room

Just happy to be near 

The sexual chemistry lighting up

Every receptor in my brain

The joy of watching your brain work

And then hearing all about it

The electric feeling when our lips touch

The ease that you imbue into

My heart and soul and mind

I keep searching for it all to come back

Secret War

There's a secret war I'm fighting alone
No bullets expended or knives thrust
Nary an armored tank or jet plane involved
Some fought in the back alleys of my brain
Clandestine maneuvers and machinations
Only how I feel for you and miss you
The wounds are bittersweet
No bandage or quik clot has an effect
A medic would be useless and medicine
Ineffective as I struggle and hope to heal
I fight it within myself, I wage total war
With my own shattered heart and mind
Am I gaining ground? Has my plan survived
That inimitable first contact of battle?
I'll win as I know not another way but
At what cost victory against myself

The Party

Walking the room as the energy of the party buzzes

Electric, rhythmic, a large machine with a life of it's own

Noise reaching a cacophonous din and rising above it all

Party goers with sideways glances as I sidle past each

I speak and they hear me, useless words but they hear

Until a shift begins to occur, nearly visible in a shimmer

Waves of it rolling through every spot like a relentless surf

Then the others begin to lose my voice in their ears

At first, it sounds only softer but gradually descends 

Until it is but a garbled, worthless mess becoming nothing

Silence alone assaults their hearing as I am disappearing

Transparency onsets my corporeal form, fading away

No sound, no form. Only residing within myself

But to the world...gone

Watching the rope of the bridge unravel

Strand by agonizingly slow strand

Unable to move, transfixed with my gaze

Knowing that I'll drop into the chasm below

Flow

It's not all consuming, the nature of which denies the recipient

The space they need to grow and change and become the person

That they're meant to be or destined to be if you prefer that

But it is all encompassing, of a kind that I have never known

Gazing upon you I see nothing but the real person you are

The person that is so full of beauty and compassion and grace

Near to bursting with intelligence and strength and heart

I understand that my heart is full with it all and simply put

Unwavering in my support and my desire to see that growth

Continue on its journey and flow like water to its destination

I Can't Say Proud

My heart is swelling at this exact moment

Filled to bursting with pride and admiration

Your last year has been unimaginably hard

Challenge after difficult challenge stacked

One atop the other in a Jenga of adversity

Waiting for you to pull out each block and

With your usual aplomb, solve each problem

Constantly amazed at your strength and soul

And the creativity with which you approach 

Those things that put others into a tailspin

Holding on to the belief that anything and 

Everything is possible for you and your will

Proud isn't even a word that fits in this context

A new word needs to be invented that would 

Encompass all that I am for you and your life

You

You smile

The world stops

Captivated

Pure light

Emanating

You laugh

Heads turn

Musical

Calling forth

Happiness

You touch

I shiver

Love pouring

Totality

Of your soul

It's That Feeling

It's that cup of coffee on the couch, your feet in my lap feeling

Smoothness of cream, sweetness of maple, and Forty Six chocolate

Combining with the feel of the skin on your ankle as I use my hands

It's that dancing in the kitchen, dinner on the stove type of feeling

Beat felt in my soles, hands on your hips, saucy smells redolent

In concert with the taste and scent of your neck as I make small kisses

It's that clothes on for now, quickly about to be strewn on the floor feeling

Paleness of skin, brownish pink peaks, beautifully curvaceous lines

Harmonies blending with intimate touches and gloriously delicious tastes

Sunday Morning In the Sand

Dark and bright colliding in a fearless way 

Streaks of the boldest orange giving way

To golds and then miraculously to blue

Starting as pale as a cornflower but then

Boldening until it reaches a deep navy

All reflected in the ever changing lines 

Of the crashing surf, wave after wave

Creating streaks and crenellations of color

Slight salt tang wafting but not overpowering 

The scene as the rhythmic crashing continues

Sand cold under foot but it only adds to what

Has become a full sensory experience, shared

With intertwined hands and loving glances 

 

Detritus

Where do I stand?

Essential or throwaway?

Could I be castoff

As easily as discarding

A used gum wrapper

Nothing more than refuse

The detritus of society

To be found one day

In an archaeological dig

Or am I needed and

Treasured like a gift

Given by a loved one

That gets held on to

Put in a special place

To show off to visitors

I'm not sure

 

Sundays

Lonely

Herculean

Intense

Hopeful

Slow

Missing

Sad

Happy

End 

Beginning

Cold

Depths

Amplified

Those days without you are good

I am fine alone, wearing solitude

Like some medieval knight's armor

Shiny and protective and with honor

But I have come to realize over this time

And the weeks that have passed by

That which I had long suspected

Days with you, glorious, magnificent even

Filled with a calmness that settles in

As if I have burrowed in to a warm blanket

A joy for each moment that seems boundless

Desire to be better, to do better, me but amplified

Falsehoods

We become inured to the falsehoods and lies that we tell ourselves

Living with each one as if it were another part of the mundanity of life

No different than taking out the garbage or hand washing dishes 

The self-obfuscation controls every moment of waking life

But once we learn to start doubting the veracity and start believing 

That we have truths much deeper and more important to our being

Than any lie we have come to rely on and we begin to trust again

In ourselves as an arbiter of things real, then the journey can begin

A journey that will culminate in becoming who we are meant to be

Obstacles

Some days it feels as if all that stands before us are treacherous obstacles

The gnarled knees and elbows of a trees roots poking through the trail

A roadblock laid up from a rock fall, keeping me from your arms

Twists and turns of an unknown path, wrought with danger and derision

But through it al, we've navigated every deadfall and wreck in our path

Come out on the other side of every pitfall, stronger and more resilient

Lenses

A photographer has so many lenses

Some for seeing farther than the eye can go

Others for peering close into the depths

Of some near placed object, details emerging

Then there are the lenses of personal life

The lenses through which I see you and 

The lenses through which I know you

Strength and beauty and grace focusing

On the details of intelligence and wit

Captured through the glass of love

And evolution and hard work and humor

All brought onto the film in a way

That is indelibly marked in my thoughts

And produces a picture of the real you

Evolving

Home is in your arms

That much I know

It ceased to be a location

From the moment I first

Experienced their warmth

Their calming effect and 

The way they drive me

To want more of you

Physically, emotionally

And in our way, spiritually

As the goddess you have become

And are evolving into

Home is being held

Tightly with love

And gently with grace

Home is being kissed

Passionately with fire

Or tenderly with care

Home is in your arms

Crescendo

Excitement

For a new beginning

A crescendo of nerves

culminating in the joy

of what is to come

Today Is Not Valentines Day

  Two years ago today something unexpected happened. I received a message on social media that was innocuous enough and I made a dorky joke. In a few short days, my life was inexorably changed. Message after message flowed. I began to feel the connection grow. Now, after twenty-four seemingly short months, I am still talking to and have in my life the most incredible woman I have ever known.

  Never in my time on earth have I had my thoughts, feelings, knowledge, and emotions challenged in a way that is both beautiful and hard and worth it. Every facet and notion looked at in ways that I had not before. I now know trust like I never thought possible. I've been introduced to amazing new things. Learned so much I didn't know about the world but more importantly about myself. Every day, I strive to be a better person because of her inspiration and every day we seem to share something new. She makes we WANT to be the best me that I can. 

  The intelligence she possesses is incomparable, especially emotionally. The hard work she has done to create a better life and a better her is truly awe inspiring. There are times that I feel I could tell her how proud of her I am every minute of the day and it wouldn't be enough. She has a sense of humor that I absolutely adore and a kindness that melts my heart. Her empathy is so keen it becomes a double edged sword but has molded her into the true and loyal friend that she is to all graced with her friendship, her love, and to her family.

  There exists a magnetism about her that defies description, a gravity that pulls me in. Even the most benign moments seem to take on a life of their own with her. One of my favorite things to do with her is simply sip coffee and enjoy each others company. Touching her though is a dream. The intimacy and emotional connection enhance every last second that we touch. The beauty she possesses positively glows from within. Emitting a light that might not be visible but exists nonetheless. Her eyes carry this light as well but pull you in with it. Liquid green they appear, like a mountain stream in winter flowing deep. I genuinely never tire of looking at her in any form, electronic or corporeal.

  I count myself lucky to know her and am beyond appreciative of how hard she has fought to be in my life. I will fight every bit as hard to keep her in mine as long it remains what we both want. We cannot know what the future holds and some promises just can't be made but we are on a journey that has been astounding to this point. I will hope and remain positive that it continues for a long time while giving her the space and support she needs to be the best that she can be. No expectations but honesty and openness. I'll focus on what we have and can share for the present, knowing that every moment is worth it. She has reminded me that this world is a good place and for that no gratitude exists. Simply put, I love her. 

  Thank you Moy Solnyshko for being you, for allowing me to be me, and for making the world a better place. 

  

Artistic Eye

Might be a brushstroke, fluidly flourished 

Each hue, complimenting and brightening

The paper with ever expanding designs

Or possibly verdant bits of nature placed

With care and precision in a random vessel

In such a way as to be continually living beauty

Then there are the flowers, vivid and fragrant

Arranged to enhance each petal and stem

Her artistic eye, creating works of true joy

Trust

Trust

Of a type I've never known

Trust

That what's said is what is meant 

Trust

Such as allows hard conversations 

Trust

Knowing we can rely on one another 

Trust

In her and in us and in our work

Trust

The Senses

Indelibly etched into each synapse of my brain

The curve of your hip, the glow of your skin

Your scent enticingly profound in my nostrils

Soft moans caressing every auditory receptor

With the lovely strains of our mutual pleasure

Drawn lines of ink and pops of color adding

To that most gloriously beautiful of visual palettes

Sweet on my tongue with a taste that beckons me

For more and drives me on to never be sated

And the delicate softness of each touch

Every sense aroused and in tune with you

Volume

It's a longing that thrums

Discordant bass from a far off song

Feeling it deep down within 

Wanting to sing along but knowing

That while it's just out of reach now

There will come a day that the full chorus

Will come blaring through speakers

Vibrating with ebullient volume 

I Am Okay

I am okay

I won't let the fear take root because I see

The potential in what could be

I won't allow the insecurity to grow because

I know the depth of our feelings

I will let the trust deepen because I can't understate

The value and import it has brought to my life

I will let the yearning wash over me in waves

I am more than okay

I am becoming an even better me 

So that if the day comes

It will be as if opening a new gift for us both

The Passing of Hours

It is all because...I yearn

For your fingertips on the skin of my forearm

Or dancing deftly through my beard

For the softness of your lips on mine

And holding you close to me

For the scent of your hair as you lay against my chest

Even for your feet in my lap as I watch you read

Pretending to read myself but wrapped up in the sight of you

But mostly I yearn for your heart, soul, and spirit

The warmest and kindest I've known

And for conversations that have us so entranced that we barely notice

The passing of hours

Fool's Gold

Fool's gold, the moon, high above in its ecliptic

Appearing to glow with an intense inner light yet

Stealing its luminance from another and pretending 

For all to see to be a great glowing night star

But all the while, false and nowt but a rock